It's insane to me how much a good night of sleep and a relaxing, hot shower can do for your mood, really. Yesterday was a horrible day for me. I haven't had one quite as bad as that in a long time. I know I'm bi-polar and my moods are supposed to fluxuate at least a little bit, but damn, that was bad - and most of the time I keep that shit pretty well under control.
Been really stressed lately. My car is dead and I've been having to rely on $50 taxi rides (one way) to get home from work, and my mom or stepdad to get there. It's taking a huge toll on me emotionally, and mentally, apparently. We're working on getting the car sold for a measley $500 bucks, which is probably more than it's worth, and putting a $1000 down payment on a new, pre-owned car, with somewhere around a $300 monthly payment. Sound fucking insane to you? 'Cause it does to me. I'm going to talk with the dealer sometime in the next hree days (thank God that I've got 3 days off in a row each week) and see if he's got anything for a lower monthly payment, as I don't see him budging on the down payment.
On top of that Jacob hasn't found a job yet, not that I've been a stickler about him looking considering we have no reliable transportation, and Austin moved in last Saturday. I really love having him at the apartment, not that he does much more than sit in the corner or on the computer, but that's also another mouth to feed. Neither of them are working though, and it's just starting to wear on me that I'm sort of becoming responsible for three adults, and two cats. I'm not handling that very well without a vehicle. I think I'll be a lot better once the car situation is sorted out but until then.. I've got to try to find a healthy way to deal with stress, man.
I woke up yesterday at 1PM, keep in mind I work the midnight shift from 9pm-7:30am every day, and I could not get back to sleep. I was so frustrated about that and the car sitaution I kept randomly just bursting into tears. When Jacob finally woke up at 7:00PM (asshole) and saw me falling apart, he just grabbed me and hugged me and told me everything would be fine. Sometimes I seriously don't know what I'd do without him around. He really keeps me groudned. But yeah, I was an absolute basket case and both him and Austin seemed really confused. So I vented to my mom the whole way to work and she assured me it was depression and that I needed to get my priorities in order and work on myself so that I could be happy.
I told her I was really afraid I was going to bring Jacob down in all of this and make him regret coming here in the first place. That boy is the single greatest thing that has ever happened to be and it'd really suck if he realized how amazing he is and that he could probably do a lot better. I think that's my biggest fear right now, aside from losing the apartment and being forced to watch him leave me and go back to Louisiana while I move back into my parents' basement. Ugh.
On a brighter note!
I picked up a couple things for the boys for Valentine's Day on my way to work. I'm going to give them their little presents a day early because I'm hoping it'll give Jacob time to figure something cute out for me. ;3 I know that sounds terrible but he's young and hasn't ever really celebrated this holiday and as many crappy ones as I've had, damnit I want a good one with him to remember. Maybe Austin'll pull him aside and give him some ideas or something. Honestly it'd be nice to just share a night with him, have some snuggle time, make love, and spend time together. That's not asking much, right? :)
Man, that last post was a little extreme, wasn't it? Lol. Can't say I blame myself for it, though, considering the situation. TJ really fucked me up, man. He was certainly a real winner - aha. One thing was right, though, my life definitely did improve when he left it. Things, while as chaotic as ever, have been amazing since then. Everything's turned around so beautifully and things that never made much sense before have completely fallen into place. I couldn't ask for much more, really. Well - I could, but damn, that'd be selfish. :)
I applied for a new position within my company and I got the job. I make $1.06 more an hour & now have three days off in a row, each week. I signed the lease to my apartment on the 15th and have been living there, with Jacob (yes, the same one from the last entry) since the 19th. My family and I get along much better with me living down the street, rather than downstairs, and my parents are genuinely proud to call me their daughter. I did drop out of school, though that was only after realizing that the program I was enrolled in was going to cost me well over $18,000 dollars and I'd make less with that certificate than I would where I'm working now. Obviously that equation didn't compute so I cut my losses and focused more on my job.
I plan to take GED classes in the fall (yes, I still don't have that or a diploma) and enroll into a college about 30 minutes from my apartment in January of 2012 to get my degree in Human Resources/Business Management. Jacob's going to sign up for classes at that same college in the fall of this year to obtai his degree in Linux....... geek. :x
Money's sort of tight and he hasn't found a job here in Michigan yet, but all in all I couldn't be happier. It's truly incredible how much he's changed my life. I'm tearing up, while at work mind you, just thinking about it. I come home to him and our very own space every morning (I work Midnights), and fight the urge to get down on one knee and propose. I just read the first entry I'd written that mentioned him, and laughed internally at myself. I was so weirded out about his age and so turned off by it that I'd basically convinced myself that nothing would come of it right off the bat. Six months later I'm in love and waking up to his face every morning. Life's pretty funny that way. I don't trust in much anymore because of the relationships I've had, and the daddy-abandonment issues that still fuck with my head, but he's the one constant thing that I know I can rely on without so much as hint of doubt. I haven't asked one thing of this man and been told no - and I don't mean to make him sound like some whipped little bitch, because as often as I tease him about it, he's really not. He's a man, and he loves me, and it's insane to me how simple that is. How easy it is for us to care, and love, and be there for one another.. shit really is only as complicated as you make it. We've not argued once, he's never called me a name out of spite or hurt my feelings or caused me to scream at him and slam doors. Granted we've not even reached the month mark as roommates, but I've gone almost seven months of talking to him on the phone -every- night before I went to sleep, spending all day texting him when I had the chance, and thinking about him non-stop and he's barely gotten on my nerves. Having him around makes me a better person, and having him in my life makes me cherish it that much more.
I have talked about so many men that I've been involved with in this blog, and none of them even matter when it comes to Jacob. My selfless, wonderful, eighteen year old boyfriend has brought out the 18 year old girl in me and I don't think I'd trade these last two weeks for all the chocolate in the world. :)
Ahh.. on a not-so-ridiculously-gay note, I seriously need to focus on my health this year. That really needs to be my main goal. I'm doing well at work, going to find out what my bonus is for the last three months next week, I've got my school situation figured out, I'm happy at home and in my relationship.. now it's time to direct my attention to myself. I'm more overweight than I have ever been in my entire life and it needs to stop now. I've got to gain some type of control before I lose myself. The apartment complex we live in has a recreational room with a couple of cardio-work out machines and there's really no reason why I shouldn't be utilizng them right now. I have work-out DVDS and more than one friend who's offered to work out with me.. and still I can't seem to get serious about it. It's fucking sad, to be quite honest. I want to start off slowly, working out a couple of days a week before or af ter I go into work and force myself to progress from there. I need to start calling Crystal and making her come over and join me for some fat-burnin'.
I don't think I'll ever smoke, at least, not anytime soon. Jacob smokes as well, first off, and secondly - I really don't want to. I physically enjoy it and it relaxes me, so the least I can do is better my health so that I'm not completely fucking myself up.
1.5 more hours at work, and then I can go home, kiss my boyfriend as much as I want, and sleep for the next three days! Woo. :)
newThe story is a twilight fanfiction. Yes, I am that nerdy. It's basically a rewrite of the story, only, with Edward and Jacob having switched positions. Bella first falls for Jacob, then when things get rough, she turns to Edward for comfort and friendship. and Just like Meyer's version, mine'll leave you wondering who she picks in the end :]
Read here: http://xhostile17x.tumblr.com/
or
Plz read and review via fanfiction.net: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5981945/1/Transposed
I worked super hard on both parts and I am having an amazing time writing this story. It's been such a great outlet for me to direct my need to vent, lately. Thank sin advance, if you do. :]
<3
Girl-code says you're a bitch.
I say you're a drama-startin' fucked up mental case.
Here in this crowd I'm feeling all alone
Turn me around and point me back to home
I'm getting lost more every day and
I can't tear myself away
From the stars in my eyes with no light
Here are my terms, have some faith in me
And I'll let you be who you need to be
Life on the moon
Couldn't be any stranger
Life on the moon
Wouldn't feel as far away
The life that I knew, it's through
And I'm gonna need you more than ever
I'm alone in this crowded room,
It's like life on the moon
Float off the ground; my head's up in the air
Self-conscious to a fault, with all the people everywhere
It's getting harder every night, to take the punches left and right
Just to know that you're here by my side
Here are my terms, have some faith in me
And I'll let you be who you need to be
Life on the moon
Couldn't be any stranger
Life on the moon
Wouldn't feel as far away
The life that I knew, it's through
And I'm gonna need you more than ever
I'm alone in this crowded room,
It's like life on the moon
Getting lost in my own atmosphere
Stars in the sky are the stars in my eyes
It's the cost of getting out of here alive
Life on the moon
Couldn't be any stranger
Life on the moon
Wouldn't feel as far away
The life that I knew, it's through
And I'm gonna need you more than ever
I'm alone in this crowded room
Life on the moon Life on the moon
The life that I knew, it's through
And I'm gonna need you more than ever
I'm alone in this crowded room
It's like life on the moon
Life on the moon
I've been in an amazingly stable, and functional relationship for the last two+ months. Seems a small amount of time, but not for us. I know things about him that his family probably doesn't. He knows more about me than anyone ever has, and I was married - lol. We fight, we bicker, we argue about dumb shit sometimes, but we always resolve it. In a mature way, too. Might seem like a small feat but to me, taking into consideration my past relationships, it's huge. He understands me, he gets me - and even when he doesn't, he tries. My moods, my preferences, my defense mechanisms, and my sometimes blatant bitchiness, he accepts all of it. Hell, I think he loves me because of those things sometimes.
I met him via an online chat network I've frequented since I was about fifteen. Strangely enough, we've known of each other since about that time. We've shared the same friends. Our past significant others have known each other/us, but for some reason we never spoke on a personal level. I don't think we'd talked to each other -at all- before the last two months, actually. Seven years and he was under my nose all of that time, I guess everything does happen for a reason, eh? Things with him are truly wonderful. Very difficult sometimes, but always healthy. He's reliable, he makes me laugh all of the time. He puts a smile on my face when nobody else can wipe the pissed off look off of it. I had no idea what it meant to be in an adult relationship until him. I can't really explain how blessed he makes me feel, just by being a part of my life.
He's moving up here sometime around the beginning of July. All the way from Texas. He's leaving behind a job, his parents, his home - to be with me, to start a future with me, and make a home, with me. The only two serious relationships I have ever had, started because of that same chat network. And both of them ended the same. With me moving to their state, leaving behind everything, and watching myself fall apart while the relationship caved in on itself. He refuses to let me leave my home again, to be with him, as much as I'd like to sometimes. Just jump on a plane and start a new life in another state - I'm notorious for that. Also for running back home with my tail between my legs because it didn't work out. He knows how much family and friends mean to me, and he's sacrificing anything he has tying him down to his own home, to ensure my happiness.
Beyond my relationship, which, there aren't enough words in the English language, (and I don't know any other languages fluently enough, to describe the happiness and content feeling I get every time I think about it) there isn't a whole lot else going on. I have been struggling to find employment since the end of November when I was laid off, to no avail. It's extremely frustrating because while I haven't always been the most independently-able person, I have always had a job since I was sixteen years old and frankly I don't know how to deal without one. No constant income, falling behind on bills, allowing debts to pile up - It's very upsetting. I live at home with my parents at 22, and I've got nothing going for me. The stress from feeling constantly unproductive and worthless is really taking a toll, lately.
I want to go to college, start my life as an adult, and get my career going, but I can't do that right now. I never graduated, simply enrolled into a career school that allowed me to test into it, and I don't think that's an option any longer. They dropped me from their program last August because I was working 40+ hours and missed four consecutive days. (No matter the fact that the rules stated clearly it was eight consecutive days before someone was kicked out.) I guess it's not a horrible thing considering the field I was going into was definitely not one which I -loved- and planned on making a lifelong career out of, but not being in school AND not working? Adding salt to the wound. Even so, I do think at this point I may call them and try to get back in - at least then I'll be doing something. I really don't know how much longer I can handle -not- doing -anything.-
But yeah, I have no diploma. A GED will cost money to take, somewhere around $120.00+ if I don't take the 3month class (free, by the way) prior to taking the test. How that even makes sense, I have no idea. But enrollment for the class doesn't start 'til sometime in August, and the actual class itself doesn't start up until September. By that time he'll be up here, and we'll be situated (I hope) so I'll probably take it then. So for now, beyond the career school I attended previously, college isn't an option. Why pay for my GED when I can take free classes and get the test for free, in a few months?
Honestly, as much as he and I both want a family, we've seriously been discussing just gettin' a move on and starting our future/family right away. I think I'm going to outline my plan here, just because. 5 or so year plan, lol.
- He moves up here, gets to work, gets situated, we get an apartment together.
- We'll work on getting pregnant, especially if I haven't found a job.
- During that time/the next five years, I'll be taking mostly online classes (after getting my GED sorted out) in order to get my Bachelors (at least) in Human resources/Business management.
- After receiving my Associates, I'll probably get a job working for a company, at least part-time.
- Full time, once my bachelors is received.
- We'll do the family/working/taking care of kids thing, while putting away money, and working on getting a house.
- After a couple of years, once all of the kids we're going to have are in school, and we're settled into a home, we'll work on opening up our own restaurant/bar together. He'll take care of the food/beverages/menu, etc, and I will be in charge of the hiring/firing/training/business management part of it.
Yeah, that's a lot of planning and future-thinking, but I like it. It's a good plan, and it's pretty insane how on the same page we are. We want the exact same things. Eventually I plan to go to school to become a teacher as well, and chances are after the restaurant or whatever is on it's feet and I can take time off, I'll start working and retire from that while he runs the place.
We've talked about marriage and while to be honest, it's not really a -priority- for me, I think we both feel like It's needed if we want to start having kids and what-not. Strangely enough I don't want a big wedding or anything super fancy. I always have, but hell - I've done the marriage thing before and even without the huge wedding, it fell apart. I really don't see that happening with him, but even so, it seems really unnecessary. Basically, I think we're planning on getting married through the court house, with a few witnesses (close friends and family) and having a get together to celebrate as a reception of sorts.
I really just can't wait 'til he's here and I can spend as much time with him as possible. Just the idea of having all of the simple things with him, kind of blows my mind. Waking up to him each morning, making breakfast for him, cuddling up and watching t.v with him, kissing him goodbye before he leaves for work. Sitting around my mom's house, hanging out with everyone. Taking him to my aunt's house, playing cards with my family.. just, enjoying our time together. The small things in life are what make the bigger ones so much more enjoyable. And I know that every day with him will be a good one, even if things get rough.
I could/should probably write more, but I don't have the attention span for it and this has gone on super long anyway. And it's taken forever, lol.
So in conclusion, my life might suck right now (oh woe is me!), but it's certainly getting better. And I know I have him to thank for that, completely.
isn't the ending so much as the start
the tragedy starts from the very first spark
losing your mind for the sake of your heart
Not knowing why I feel so lost, is totally fucking different.
I really don't know where to go from here.
nothing is working.
I don't know what to do. I don't know how to just fucking be normal. How to live, without having to doubt. without over analyzing. without worrying. I am so fucking tired of this. I am antsy all the time. I am constantly fighting an urge to just, jump out of my own fucking skin. AHH. I wish I could pinpoint exactly what the fuck is wrong with me. Maybe then I could figure out how to fix it. If it wasn't for him, I wouldn't care.
I've been here before. I've pushed away people I've loved. I've ended up alone. I've ruined relationships, families. Lives. And none of it really concerned me as much as it should have. I've withdrawn into myself so many times and the result is always the same. I can't do that this time. I know this was fate.. god.. who the fuck ever. We didn't stumble upon each other after both we'd been through, and feel such an immediate and intense connection, for fucking nothing. this is not going to be something I end up ruining and then later tell myself "it's okay, everything happens for a reason, certain people just -aren't- meant to stay a part of our lives." I cannot analyze this one away. If I fuck it up, I won't forgive myself. I couldn't.
And maybe I'm being paranoid. Maybe he wouldn't let me. But I thought about that with Jeff, too. I loved him so much in the beginning. the first month or so was amazing. I was so happy, so in love. I felt so good. And as much as I try to blame him for our fall out, it wasn't his fault. I built the foundation of hatred and heartbreak that he and I attempted to build a relationship upon, because all I did was close myself off and all he could do was fight with me to be apart of my life.
I know I should be honest. I know I should bring this up. But first, I think I'm going to see how things play out. See if anything changes. I have a sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach that tells me it won't. I need to be fixed. Hell, I probably need to be medicated.
On a weird side note, I feel like I should've gone on longer about how great he is. It's just not in me right now. All I want to do is bitch and vent and question the gods. I should consult a therapist.
Happy Birthday to me, Happy birthday to me! Happy birthday dear Amandaaaaaaaaaaa.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME.
If that ain't love..
"You're the most amazing person I've ever known, everything about you is, for lack of a better word, simply amazing. Your personality is as random as mine is, and it makes you an even more amazing person. You're perfect, no matter what you do, and you always will be.I can't see myself without you, in anyway whatsoever. You're simply the most perfect person I've ever met, and I doubt I could be any happier than I am right at this moment. You bring out the best in me, I don't know how else to show you a compliment other than to tell you what you do to me, so I apologize if this isn't good enough for you."
I love him, so much. I wish there were stronger word to describe it.
oh oh
i never thought that i would ever love again
i might be wrong cos i can feel it happening
a little scared but i am not petrified
i love forever, i promise to stay by your side
heart broken, my first and never spoken
i waited to here and i gave it a year
so i stopped holding on and then you came along
and then you came along
i'm gonna, i'm i'm i'm gonna
i'll hold you and love you the best that i can
until you understand that i need you
and i can't dance alone cos the beat's just too slow
that's just the way love goes,
that's just the way love goes (uh uh)
i used to think that i would never get to be
in love again cos that was the only one for me
and now i feel that you have come and saved me
this heart of mine awoken by your smile
heart broken, my first and never spoken
i waited to here and i gave it a year
so i stopped holding on and then you came along
and then you came along
i'm gonna, i'm i'm i'm gonna
i'll hold you and love you the best that i can
until you understand that i need you
and i can't dance alone cos the beat's just too slow
that's just the way love goes,
that's just the way love goes
i'll hold you and love you the best that i can
until you understand that i need you
and i can't dance alone cos the beat's just too slow
that's just the way love goes,
that's just the way love goes
(gotta get strong, keep moving on) (x8)
someone's coming to save me
someone's coming to save me
save me, save me, save me
i'll hold you and love you the best that i can
until you understand that i need you
and i can't dance alone cos the beat's just too slow
that's just the way love goes,
that's just the way love goes
i'll hold you and love you the best that i can
until you understand that i need you
and i can't dance alone cos the beat's just too slow
that's just the way love goes,
that's just the way love goes
Everything, just feels good. It's crazy to me that a simple human being strollin' through life just like the rest of us, could bring so much joy and happiness to one person's life. When I fell in love with Jeremy, I needed him. I needed to know he loved me. I needed to feel wanted and cared for. I needed to know that regardless, he was going to be there. It was a mentally abusive codependent kind of screw you up in the head for life, type of life. But it was real, and it taught me so much, so many lessons about life I felt like I had to instill in order to survive the heart wrenching pain of losing my lifeline. My very connection to anything emotional or feeling.
And so I cut myself off. And here and there of course there were people in and out of my life, people I thought I cared for, could potentially see a future with. And my walls stayed locked firmly in place and every person exited my life the same way they entered. And then I met Jeff. And at first things were blissful. I was happy, I think. I knew he loved me, accepted me wholeheartedly for who and what I was and again, I depended on him to be there. I let him in just enough that he could hurt me. Not the way Jeremy had been able to, when I was new to the idea of real love and adult relationships, but enough. And he did. Thankfully all of the harsh words and feelings of insecurity and worthlessness were brought hurtling right back to the surface within the first few months. My brain, my heart - they were smart this time. They anticipated it, and they shut down.
And then the pattern started. Fighting. Fucking. Crying. Ending. Rekindling. Pretending to forgive. Pretending to move on. Pretending to be better. Over and over, the cycle stayed on repeat for nearly two years and for that long I was miserable, always. When we were together, when we were apart. When we weren't speaking. When we were seeing other people. Every single second of every day I was angry and pent up and I had so much bitterness toward anything happy. I would laugh, and cry, and go through the motions of life but deep down I was scarred and I felt so damaged. Until now, I never truly grasped the full extent of how beyond repair I felt during that point in my life.
I always thought things would get better. And even if he wasn't ripping my heart into pieces, I hated him. Part of me -always- hated him. He took what little was left of me after Jeremy, and he stomped on it. He caged it up, controlled it, and crushed it. I had no conscience. I had no remorse. I had no idea what it felt like to be happy so I never bothered to reach for more. To expect more. To want more. I always talked about never settling but I did that for years because it made him happy. I was with Jeremy because I needed him to be happy. I was with Jeff because he needed me to be happy, and I didn't have self-worth enough to care about what I needed.
And then my eyes were ripped open, the world came into focus, and I realized how ridiculous I've been. Scared to death that I was broken. That Jeremy left me tarnished and tainted and unable to love. To open up. To be happy. for years I had no idea what that word even meant. i thought I did and I sure didn't mind lying to myself about whether or not I was, but it was never real. I'm a great actress, always have been, but never in a million years did I honestly believe I would be able to fool myself in such a tremendous way. Or that I would need to.
Everything about love and romance made me sick to my stomach with envy and regret. I truly thought I was broken and that it was always -ME- who ruined the relationship. that I would be forced to settle unless I wanted to die alone because love and romantic feelings for someone else, just wasn't possible for me. As if Jeremy ripped that bit out of me and I just couldn't feel that again. Like I was wrong, or cruel, or fucked up because I could never return the feelings that people felt for me, and it always ended in pain for them.
But not one word of that was true, and one of that even matters anymore. My mindset was screwed up. My thought process skewed. For years I lived life in the dark out of fear. Too afraid to expect or hope for more. To tell myself that I wouldn't settle because there -is- someone out there who could create an entirely different feeling in the pit of my stomach, who could lift me up despite any stress or worry.
But there was. And strangely enough he was somewhat under my nose the whole time. And it's funny because I've always been so fickle, so back and forth - even just from reading this blog anybody could tell how true that statement is. But it was always because of how I felt, after Jeremy. I never felt ..free. No one person ever made me feel good and true and safe and wanted and cared for and.. just. Content. Jumping from person to person, relationship to relationship, never expecting anything. And then, this person walks into my life, rips the fucking expectations off the table, fulfills them and then some, and leaves me speechless, terrified, and more grateful than you can possibly imagine.
I really, don't want to go on and on about how perfect I feel he is, because to be totally honest every second I write this is another second I'm not talking to him. And as cheesy as that sounds, I just don't care. I have never been able to feel so carefree, happy, and good. My relationship, my marriage, the worst pain I'd ever experienced in my life, ruined my mental stability and so many other things in my life that normal relationships wouldn't even impact. And all of that, vanished. poof. in an instant. And as many hearts as I've broken along the way, and people I've hurt, because of my own "happiness", and as guilty as I feel for breaking the one of the man who was there for me through everything, after everything, I would not trade this feeling for anything.
Laughter. It really is the answer to everything. It's joy and love and hope and happiness and smiling. It's good and it's bright. It's everything life should be and that's what he is for me. And I know, because of what we've both endured from people who told us they loved us, and how well we understand each other on such an unexpected level, that regardless of what happens, I will never be able to thank him enough for what he's shown me. I was stupid and ignorant and completely in the dark and now my life has been flooded with light.
August 24th
Millenia
blueeyedtawni
ontheway
July 25th
freakofnature
January 2nd
whatethelsays
October 4th
smileymaryx3
July 22nd
nyxnight
June 20th
nyxnight
June 19th
nyxnight
May 19th
treatmentss
May 15th
ontheway
